Make Sex About Your Pleasure
It’s not exactly rocket science, but think about it: If you go into the whole sex thing thinking that you’re not going to enjoy it, you probably won’t get turned on very quickly. “If you don’t enjoy sex, how can you get expect yourself to crave it?” Marin says. “It’s important to work with your partner to keep exploring sex and finding ways to make it more pleasurable for you both.” So, be open with your partner about what you want and what you needto orgasm. Knowing sex means a mind-blowing orgasm is certainly a way to desire it.
Why Men Should Be Involved
Sexual symptoms are typically a problem for women because they cause a mismatch between her partners sexual needs and her own. For example, a woman who takes longer to orgasm after menopause may only be bothered if her partner experiences quicker orgasms as he ages. Menopausal sexual problems are a joint problem, most effectively treated by involving both partners. It helps when the male partners of menopausal women are educated about why the sexual symptoms of menopause arise and what might exacerbate them. Educated partners are in a better position to help menopausal women treat the symptoms and have a great sex life after menopause.
Why Does Sex Drive Decrease As We Age
The changes in sex drive that come with aging are mostly the result of decreases in the amounts of sex hormones that our bodies produce. In males, testosterone production decreases steadily as we age. In females, estrogen tends to decrease dramatically at menopause. These chemicals are, respectively, responsible for libido in men and women, and decreased levels of these hormones are correlated with a decreased sex drive.
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My Wife Has No Desire For Sex What Can I Do
Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. My wife has no desire for sex and will not take hormones because they could cause cancer. I am not allowed to touch her because that would bring on a hot flash. There is no physical contact and what makes it worse is I love her so much.
We have been together 27 years and I cannot imagine being with another woman, if you lined up all the women, I still would pick her. She is so beautiful and it is torture not being able to hold the one you love. I think about sex with her all the time and am frustrated and sad and feel unwanted.
I do not want a divorce and do not want to start my life over. I want my wife back. I have lost hope that will ever happen and do not know how to adjust. I do not think I can go the rest of my life without being able to hold and cuddle and make love to someone who will love me back the same way I want her too. What can I do?
A. Your note is very touching. Can you show this column to your wife? When a man feels frustrated, sad and unwanted, as you do, he can unwittingly come off to his wife as angry and abrupt. You may not be expressing your feelings to her as eloquently as you are to me.
Being touched does not trigger hot flashes. The bigger message from your wife is that sex, for whatever reason, is something she doesnt want, so keep away.
How To Have Great Sex During Menopause And Beyond
You can have an incredible, fulfilling sex life at any age. Menopause is a time of transition, so it’s perfectly normal to notice some changes. Treatments are available for these types of sexual issues:
- Lower libido
- Peeing during sex
- Sexual changes due to medication
The Olson Center for Women’s Health is dedicated to meeting all of your women’s health needs. Our specialists are easy to talk to and can help you resolve physical issues that might be getting in the way of intimacy.
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Treat Your Lady By Being A True Gentleman
You have to keep your manners in all situations. Your wife is a lady, right? Then she deserves to have a gentleman by her side.
Do some regular little things for her. Be chivalrous. Open the door for her, give her your jacket if its cold, pull out a chair for her and so on.
Let her make the first move when she feels ready for it. Dont initiate anything first. When you flirt with her, avoid flirting in a dirty way because thats not chivalrous and most women actually dont like it.
Its good to evoke your inner bad boy sometimes in the bedroom but there are some boundaries that need to be respected even behind closed doors.
Talk To Your Doctor About Supplements
Talk to your doctor if you are interested in taking nutritional supplements for menopause or for preventing the associated health risks. Some women use calcium or black cohosh, but these supplements arent right for everyone. Its crucial to speak with your doctor to learn more about the best options for your body.
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Less Intercourse Is Natural
Despite what the media and prescription drug commercials would have you believe, intercourse in later years often isnt as pleasurable for couples as it used to be. Thats because of bodily changes such as vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction, says Kraft. Half of women in their 50s continue having intercourse, but by their 70s only 27 percent of women are doing it.
That doesnt mean that you cant be intimate with your partner whether youre having intercourse with the help of lubricants, vaginal moisturizers or prescription drugs, or choosing other ways of staying connected.
About a third of long-term couples dont have sex or have sex only occasionally. But they dont necessarily consider that a problem. Its just where their relationships have evolved, explains Kraft. They do other things that are intimate that they enjoy like cuddling, sharing a bed and laughing together. And theyre happy.
Sex Importance Rankings Vary Among Women Survey Suggests
For the largest group, about 45 percent of the women, sex did become less important to them as they went through their forties and fifties and early sixties, says Thomas. For 27 percent of the women, sex remained highly important to them throughout midlife, and for 28 percent of the women sex was not very important to them throughout the whole duration of midlife, from forties to sixties.
Its important to recognize not all women are going to follow the same pathway when it comes to sex at midlife, each woman has her own unique experience, says Thomas.
There were a few trends that Thomas and her team noticed.
These results show that its not necessarily true that sex becomes less important to all women at midlife and that its just an inevitable fact of aging, says Thomas.
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What Do You Recommend For Extreme Vaginal Dryness And Painful Intercourse Due To Menopause I Have A Hard Time With Creams And Getting Them Applied Properly And Timely
Creams can be messy, so it’s good to know there are other options available. For example, a vaginal ring releases a low dose of estrogen over 90 days to treat dryness and loss of elasticity. Or, you might benefit from an estrogen tablet to insert into your vagina. Your OB-GYN can talk through these options and help you choose the best one for your situation.
Don’t let a physical issue prevent you from great sex.800.922.0000
Aiding Arousal And Orgasm
Both arousal and orgasm depend on a complex array of psychological and physical factors. Issues that reduce libido can also affect arousal and orgasm. In addition, when blood flow to the genitals and pelvis is diminished or nerves are damaged, it can be difficult to achieve either. Identifying and addressing lifestyle factors may increase your sexual response. These are the most common physical factors impeding arousal and orgasm:
Alcohol. Although a glass of wine might enhance your libido, heavy drinking can make it difficult to achieve orgasm.
Health conditions. Diseases that affect blood flow and nerve function, including diabetes, kidney disease, heart disease, and multiple sclerosis, can reduce sexual responsiveness.
Medication. Drugs to lower blood pressure can delay or prevent orgasm. Antidepressants, particularly SSRIs, can also impede orgasm.
Clinical trials have demonstrated that the following may be helpful in stimulating arousal and orgasm:
Zestra. A massage oil that creates a sensation of warmth throughout the genital area, Zestra increased desire, arousal, and satisfaction in 70% of the women enrolled in clinical trials required for FDA approval. It is available over the counter for around $10.
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Plan A Romantic Date Night
You need to bring back the spark in your relationship and the best way to start with that is by preparing a nice and romantic date for you two.
Do something that will surpass everything you have for her till now. Prepare her favorite meal and serve it for dinner.
Put rose petals all over the room, open up a bottle of her favorite wine and enjoy an evening with the love of your life.
Recreating your first date is probably one of the most romantic date night ideas. Remind your wife why she fell in love with you.
There are so many other ideas for a romantic date, such as dinner under the stars, cocktails on the beach, dinner at your favorite restaurant with some musicians where you can pay for them to sing a special song to her.
You just need to find a date thats suitable for both of you.
How S/he Views Her/him
Shy conversations and secret fears may not get talked about. So if there are any other sexual, marital or relationship problems they can get ignored leading to assumptions being made and misunderstandings becoming more common, which in turn can lead to arguments. Low self-esteem then becomes a problem as neither partner feels supported or able to give voice to their emotions.
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Listen To Her Needs And Show Understanding
Dont talk to her and bother her with, Whats happening with you? or, Whats wrong with you? questions. Trust me, you wont find out anything this way, nor will it make the situation better.
On the contrary, you might actually make the situation even worse. Nothing is wrong with her so thats the worst question you can ask her.
There are many things going on in her life and maybe shes just got tired of all of it.
Periods, pregnancies, childbirth, menopause there are so many changes in a womans life and they all leave some kinds of consequences.
The only thing you can ask her is how she is and then sit down and listen. Of course, thats if she feels comfortable opening up to you and if she doesnt, dont push her.
Give her some time to think about it herself and shell talk to you when shes ready.
If she does open up to you about some things that are bothering her, dont just nod your head like you are only pretending that youre listening and also, dont start giving her advice on what she should do and so interrupt her.
If you think you have the right advice for her to help her, you can say it to her but be brief and let her continue talking again.
If she starts crying while shes talking, hug her and tell her that she shouldnt worry about anything because youre there for her.
The important thing is that she always knows she has your unlimited support.
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What Is Menopause Its A Moment In Time
Menopause is a specific point in time. Menopause occurs when periods stop and youve gone 12 consecutive months since having your last period. Once youve hit that moment, you enter post-menopause.
Reaching menopause means that youre no longer able to bear children. Every woman except for those whove had their ovaries removed before puberty will go through menopause.
When does menopause start?
The average menopause age is around 51. But some women experience menopause in their 40s with a small percentage experiencing menopause even younger. Some women may not reach menopause until their 60s.
Theres no way to know your exact menopause age until it happens, but genetics seem to play a strong role. You may get a general idea of when to expect menopause based on when your family members went through it, particularly your mother.
Genetics arent the only thing that can impact when menopause starts. Medical factors can also influence menopause timing. When the ovaries are removed, symptoms will begin to show immediately.
Certain medical conditions like autoimmune diseases have also been associated with early menopause. Women whove undergone treatments like radiation therapy or chemotherapy are also more likely to show symptoms earlier.
Stay In The Moment Right Before Sex
If you want to feel turned on and you suddenly start thinking about this massive project that’s due next week…you, um, know that’s probably not going to help too much, right?
“One powerful trick is to gently remind yourself what your options are in the moment,” says Marin. ” Let’s say you had a really rough day at work, and you keep finding yourself feeling distracted. You can say to yourself, ‘OK, I can keep thinking about my boss and what a jerk she is, or I can focus on spending some time with my partner.” Sometimes just putting it in that context can make us feel much more open to connecting.'”
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You Need A Sense Of Control And Volition
You need to know and feel that you matter, that you have an impact on your surroundings and your relationships.
Since theres so much in life we have no control over, be on the lookout for things where your positive input can make a difference. And, of course, your attitude and actions regarding the well-being of your relationship, can make a huge difference!
Now your partner or spouse is going through the menopause, you could, for example, aim to be extra generous with your love and attention, understanding and forgiving.
In addition, talking about and setting and honouring each others boundaries does a lot to cultivate respect. Chances are that over the years youve piled on the assumptions without having a meaningful conversation about each others needs and wants.
Reasons For Sexual Disharmonies
Ageing and health related-problems
1) The effect of menopausal symptoms and health problems on sexual function
Menopausal symptoms such as lessened sexual desire and vaginal dryness as well as health problems such as vaginal fistula or health problems of the spouse or side effects of drugs taken for diseases caused sexual disharmony.
I ask her how many times she has sex with her husband. She says, Once a month. I don’t ever want to, unless he comes and forces me into it , my vagina is too dry and sensitive.
One postmenopausal expatriate women with vaginal fistula said that she avoided sex, because she was ashamed of expelling gas from her vagina during intercourse.
I had a few postmenopausal patients who said they had sexual desires but their husbands were very old or disabled with problems such as prostatitis, hypertension, diabetes or in some cases the intake of sleeping pills.
2) Change in body image
One of the reasons why postmenopausal women do not have sex is the terrible body image they have of themselves after menopause. In the experience of informants, some menopausal women were reluctant to get naked in front of their husband because they had a negative image of their body.
These women say to me, My belly is so monstrous now, my body is a wreck as a result of the many births I’ve given and I’m shy to even take off my clothes and show my body to my husband, and my body has grown dark.
1) Big age gap in the marriage
2) Changing sexual expectations of men
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Keep An Open Mind To Keep Your Sex Life Satisfying
My takeaway was that we need to be more routinely asking women in midlife about their sexual function and whether there are barriers such as having pain during intercourse or if theyre having problems with low sexual desire thats bothering them, says Stephanie Faubion, MD, director of the Mayo Clinic Center for Womens Health in Rochester, Minnesota, and medical director of NAMS.
Sexual function is usually under addressed in women in general but certainly in women beyond menopause, adds Dr. Faubion.